Friday, August 16, 2013

My Journey to Oregon: Day Two

Waylon makes coffee in the morning.  His entire family loves coffee.  They can't live without coffee.  First thing in the morning.  This family dreams, lives, and drinks coffee as their religion. Happily  caffeinated, Waylon makes breakfast: granola in almond milk brought to boil with banana slices and blackberries picked from the bushes in his backyard.  So tasty it would become my breakfast of request when he asked me the next two days what I would like for breakfast.

We head to our first destination, Powell's Bookstore, an icon in Portland. After about an hour, of browsing, buying one book, and overhearing a middle aged woman in the meditation section tell her friend that she had 50,000 things to do before Thursday and was so stressed she needed a book to balance her vibrational frequencies, Waylon and I picked up his friend Matthew and drove to Mount Hood, the sole mountain you can see from Portland on clear days. 

One of the great perks of traveling is meeting other people who you find interesting and inspiring.  Later on my trip I would stay at a bed and breakfast, which I highly recommend for travelers for the homier aspect compared to a hotel, specifically because it's in a house, and for the opportunity to talk to people at breakfast and learn why they are traveling.  What I used to think would be awkward—breakfast with strangers—always turns out to be easy, amiable, and interesting.  Matthew turned out to be one of these interesting and inspiring people you meet on a trip.  He grew up with cerebral palsy and used orthopedic crutches to walk.  As he told us, he dragged a foot which every month or so wore a hole into the toe area of his shoe.  He walked slowly and getting in and out of chairs and the car was difficult.  None of this seemed to prevent him from doing many of the things he wanted.  To my surprise, he moved from New York City to Portland, and prior to this got an MFA in Creative Writing from UCLA-Irvine and published a book of poetry.  He also traveled once to Ireland and once to Spain where he toured Barcelona and Madrid.  He wanted to go back to Spain and entertained the idea of moving to Seattle.  Waylon told him Seattle had a lot of hills which discouraged Matthew since when he took a trip to San Francisco he said he loved the city but hated the hills, understandably so given his reliance on crutches and limited leg strength.  It was a good reminder to me to put into perspective whatever mental hindrances I create for myself that prevent me from pursuing my dreams when  compared to the physical limitations that Matthew and other people like Matthew have that don't stop them from pursuing what they want to do and their dreams. 

Waylon was thoughtful and packed a surprise picnic complete with wine for the three of us which we ate outside at the Timberline Lodge at the base of Mount Hood.  The view was gorgeous:  translucent blue sky without a single cloud that beckons you to sit outside, the almost perfect triangle of the mountain seducing you with its pristine allure, snow still covering most of its surface like a white winter jacket, its brown patches of rock where the snow has melted like tanned skin, the July sun shining strong. 
 
 
We had the good fortune to have a park ranger leading a tour stop near where we ate and listen to his explanation of how the lodge was built as a part of the Works Project Administration in an effort to provide jobs for people through building it and the tourism that they hoped would come from it.  After lunch we headed inside the lodge for coffee and then headed for home.  The first twenty minutes out of or into the lodge the narrow two lane road constantly curves requires you to drive about thirty miles per hour.  The towering pine trees and occasional small waterfalls along the side of the winding road create breathtaking beauty.  

It was late afternoon when we dropped off Matthew at his apartment downtown and then drove back to Waylon's house.  We each took about thirty minutes of alone time and then had another cup of coffee together.  More coffee! Waylon asked if I would mind if he would play his guitar and played and sang for a few songs.  I readily said yes. One of my favorite things about people is when they play an instrument and use it as a creative outlet or hobby.  He played and sang two covers, a current song I don't I don't remember and a Bob Dylan song, and then played and sang one of his own.  It was more of a poem than a song in the traditional sense and I asked him he would mind some constructive creative suggestion on my part.  He said yes and I suggested that he needed a refrain, a chorus, which in its current form the song lacked, and that four lines in particular jumped out at me as catchy and substantive.  The first two lines were “It might be scary but it's only temporary.”--a reminder we can all sing in a good song.  Together we thought of three places where Waylon could interject these lyrics and then he sang the song again with the new four line chorus.  It transformed the song from a poem/performance art piece to a song with deep lyrics and a catchy chorus that if Waylon ever decided to break out of his current career as an Information Technology Manager for Organically Grown Company, the largest distributor of organic vegetables and fruits in the Northwest and start a career as a rock musician that this will be his first big hit with everyone singing his zen wisdom reminder of a chorus.  I'm grateful for this guitar time with Waylon. I like that he's creative and felt comfortable enough with me to play his guitar and to sing a song he wrote.  I liked that I felt I knew him well enough that I could offer a suggestion and he would appreciate it and that it enhanced the song.  These are the kind of interactions and friends I value in my life. 

On the way home we discussed driving to a Thai restaurant but after getting home and  enjoying the peace and private of Waylon's backyard, I suggested we walk to somewhere in his neighborhood.  He liked the idea so we put on our Nike walking shoes—his bright neon orange and commented upon by numerous people and mine dark gray with a neon lime green swoop-- and walked about ten blocks to a retail intersection.  There were several ethnic options and we chose Italian.  The server convinced me that a carafe of pinot gris was a better value than two glasses  because I would get three glasses worth for only two dollars more.  Two being my comfortable preference meant three was a veritable party.  Innuendo applies.  Waylon promised to keep company with me on his beer.  Cheers to friendship.  Bread dipped in balsamic vinegar and olive oil,  heartfelt conversation about his ex-wife and my ex-partner, vegan pizza, another beer for him, another glass for me, and we've got a bromance at our outdoor table for two.

The night progresses.  The carafe of wine becomes a giraffe of wine, which from here on out is what I'm going to call it, and soon it's empty.  The live music from the bar two buildings down has enticed us all evening and when we've finished our meal we walk on over and into a Sixties Experience.  Literally.  The band is playing music from the sixties, which we knew from our outdoor seat, and the four of them are dressed in sixties bell bottoms and groovy shirts and headbands—a man playing keyboards and electric guitar, a woman playing electric guitar and tambourine, a woman playing the mandolin, and a man playing the drums.  There's an element of kitsch to their band, and also a real sincerity and professionalism.  They sound good.  You can tell from they're polished sound they've practiced and played a lot together.  Here's the other part of the Sixties Experience: everyone in the bar except Waylon and I are over sixty and loving this.  So are Waylon and I, but at thirty three and forty three years old these songs are before our time; for the other patrons these are songs of their youth.  We listened to five songs and when they finished Waylon yelled, “Encore!”  The others clapped enthusiastically and were ready for bed.  A sticker on the front of the keyboard read “Feeling' Groovy” so I yelled out, “One more. We're feelin groovy!”  That's what a giraffe of wine will do to this gay guy.  The band members seemed pleased if not surprised at such exuberant appreciation and the female lead said they had something a little, something that wasn't sixties, something they wrote, something bluesy.  “Yeah!” I yelled.  “Let's hear it!”  And so they played a great blues song of their own.  I don't know this band's story but I like to think that they all have day jobs that have nothing to do with music, and all of them love being in the band because they're good friends and this is their creative outlet, and one of them has aspirations or dreams of making it big, and know what they are, a band that plays sixties music for senior adults in small bars and restaurants around Portland, and take great satisfaction when asked by co-workers on Monday what they did over the weekend, “The sixties music band I'm in played at two venues on Friday and Saturday night.”  

Walking home was perfect: dark night, almost full moon, no humidity, cool air, leaves of trees casting intricate shadows.  So much better than being in a car.  If possible when you're on vacation, do more walking than driving.  Get to know a neighborhood.  Slow down.  Feel the earth under your feet.  See the stars over your shoulders.  Rub the Lamb's Ear and notice its velvety softness.  Pull the lavender from its base, crumble it between your fingers, and smell its sweet soothing aroma.  These are all small things I did and all small things that make this journey, and every journey memorable.  Which leads me to nomenclature: why I like calling this a journey rather than a trip or a vacation.  Journey implies something greater, a spiritual journey for example, a Hero's Journey.  Journey feels more languorous, more meaningful. More intentional, more aware, more exploratory.  Vacation implies vacating, leaving, or escaping the reality of your life, usually your work life, which is certainly necessary and worthy.  Trip, which is the word I used when talking to most people connotates sightseeing and touring and visiting, also all worthy pursuits of traveling, and certainly things I do when I travel.  But journey assumes and assigns significance to travel and is the word I use when thinking about it.  How can travel transform me?  What can I learn from travel?  From the conversations I have with other people? From how I see other people living?  From what I learn other people believe?  From nature that is different from what I am used to Minnesota?

It's a late night for both of us, preferring to be in bed by ten. It's a little before midnight and e end our evening in Waylon's living room listening to The Beach Boy's song Good Vibrations.  We had talked about the Beach Boys earlier while Waylon played guitar. Brian Wilson being Waylon's favorite lyricist and the Beach Boys his favorite Band and their album Pet Sounds, or as I accidentally called it Pet Shop Boy Sounds as an album I would like to get to know.  Good Vibrations is one of our favorite songs.  We listen to it once and then listen to it again, this time commenting on what we love about the song. 

Another day comes to a close   I'm reminded of the woman at the bookstore who wanted to lower her vibrational frequencies.  This journey so far in Portland and this time with my new friend has increased mine.  I'm feeling some good vibrations.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Journey to Oregon: Day One

Day One

My flight arrived in Portland at 1:15 on Friday afternoon, July 19th, 2013.  I rented a car and drove to my friend Waylon's house.  I suggested we have a cup of coffee outside, a caffeinated cheers to the beginning of my journey, our new friendship, and our weekend together.  Waylon is one of the siblings in the family I know in Oregon.  While I met him the three previous times I had traveled to Eugene I didn't know him well enough to consider him a friend.  He was always the brother of the two siblings in his family whom I called my friends.  This past winter, however, his sister told me about the almost daily blog he keeps about his life and I began reading it.  I connected with a lot of his values and via Facebook asked him he would like to become pen pals with me, writing letters by hand and sending them to each other via the postal service, an old fashioned and antiquated way of communicating, but one I would recommend for getting to know someone and maintaining a friendship.  He said yes and over several months we created a friendship via correspondence.  In May, he was visiting family and friends in Minnesota and asked me if I would like to have dinner together, to which I agreed, and he came to my house where we met for the first time as friends.  Conversation and connection ensued.  A few weeks later I decided to visit his family and several other friends in Oregon, and asked him if I could stay with him for the weekend in Portland and if he would be interested in doing things together.  He agreed. A wonderful weekend with a new friend commenced. 

Waylon chooses not to own a car in Portland so I drove and he navigated via his Smart Phone.  Prior to arriving, I was a bit anxious about driving in a metropolitan city I didn't know, but it turned out my anxiety was unnecessary, as if often the case, another life lesson learned again, because driving was really easy and enjoyable. 

Our first destination was the Japanese Zen Garden in Portland.  A Zen approach—creating a sense of inner and outer peace, accepting and appreciating the present moment, and mindfully moving through our moments, days, and lives—is one of things that attracted Waylon and I to each other as friends.  Having the Zen Garden as our first destination was perfect because it acknowledged that foundation and immediately, especially for me after flying, created a sense of beauty, serenity, and appreciation of the present moment, a mindset I kept close to my heart for the rest of the trip. 

To our delight, there was a large rose garden right before the Zen Garden with the largest roses I've ever seen.  They were a multitude of colors and in various stages of bloom and each variety was as distinct in its fragrance as it was in its palette and maturity.  I didn't think of it at the time but I started my Oregon Journey with the cliché stop and smell the roses.  And I did.  For the entire time I was in Oregon I really slowed down and savored the moment.  I took it all in. I was grateful for these friends and this new place in which I traveled. 

I'm not always a picture taker but I remembered often to take pictures of nature and of my friends and except for not seeing one person that I easily could have and forgetting my camera when I met another, I captured a lot of this journey in photographs which makes me happy.  Photographs can be a way of noticing and capturing the moment in that moment and then having the visual memory to draw upon later to remember and take you back to that moment later. 

If one's image is silent walking through the Zen Garden then Waylon and I challenged that belief.  We talked the entire time.  While much of our conversation was spiritual and intellectual in nature, what surprised me is how often we told each other stories that made the other laugh.  You wouldn't necessarily equate laughter with a Zen Garden, but then again, the more I understand Zen the more I realize that a lighthearted and humorous reponse and expectation to life makes it easier and more enjoyable to live. 

The story that made us laugh the hardest was when we were both sitting on a bench in front of one of the rock gardens.  In a moment of zen like illumination, a memory of Waylon flashed into my mind, the one memory I have of him from the past several times when I met him.  I knew him primarily as the brother of my friends at the time, Natasha and Joshua, but wasn't friends with him.  I had an impression of Waylon, which was all around good guy, like his siblings, and I'm sure I had conversations with him, but I had no specific recollections.  Except for this one which came to me while contemplating rocks rakes into circles surrounding a large stone, the ripple of our actions:

I'm sitting in the back right side seat of a car; Waylon is in the back side left of the car; and Elena, his girlfriend at the time, is between us.  Elena's mom and dad are in the front, her dad driving and her mom in the passenger seat.  Waylon rolls down the window and Elena's mom says, “Waylon, are you warm? I can turn up the air conditioning.”  To which Waylon nonchalantly and matter of factually says, “No, I just passed some gas and was letting it out of the car.”  We both laughed really hard when I told Waylon this, Waylon especially.  It was particularly funny because I said I think most people would have denied the fart and said, “I'm a little warm.”  Waylon in his admirable honesty had nothing to hide.  Once he said this Elena's mother, Marie, replies, “Well, thank you, Waylon. That is really kind of you.  Jack doesn't roll down the window when he does that.  He just stinks up the entire car. How hard is it to roll down a window. Not hard at all as you just demonstrated.  Did you hear that Jack?  Just roll down the window. That's all you have to do. Elena, Waylon is a keeper.  A boy who rolls down a window when he passes gas in the car is a keeper.”  Waylon and I laughed even harder because Marie is like this:  a larger than life wonderful woman with an exuberant personality. 

After the Zen Garden we drove to a restaurant called the Farm where we would meet, Mary Jean, another friend of mine and Waylon's..  Mary Jean, along with Waylon's older sister Natasha, older brother Joshua, and Natasha's best friend and Joshua's girlfriend at the time, all grew up in the same small town, Melrose, and after graduating from college, moved together with a few other friends from Minnesota to Eugene in 1998.  Soon thereafter Waylon moved to Eugene, and then his other brother, and then after Stacy and Joshua got married and had a son, Waylon's mom and dad moved to Eugene. .  In addition,  several other of their friends from Melrose, two of them who are friends of mine and one of the reasons I wanted to make this journey back to Eugene, and Stacy's sister, two brothers, and mom have all moved to Eugene.  It was a twenty first century Oregon Trail, the Melrose Migration from Minnesota to Oregon. 

Waylon and I arrived early and had a drink at the bar—he a locally brewed beer and I a rose.  According to the man at the upscale wine store I sometimes frequent in Eagan where I live, “It's the year of the rose.”  When Mary Jean arrived there were hugs all around.  It's good seeing someone after nine years and feeling as though only nine weeks have passed.  I assumed it would be this way with all of my friends here in Oregon.  We would still share that connection even though we each had new additions to our personalities and new elements in our lives.  Take Mary Jean, for example.  Last time I saw her she was single. Now she was engaged and getting married in three weeks.  Last time I saw her she ate a vegetarian diet. Now she ate a paleo diet.  Last time I saw her she was living in Eugene. Now she was in Portland.  And yet, the essence of Mary Jean remained the same, and I would find this true for all of my friends. 

Why I had such a long stretch of time between visits I'm not sure.  One of the friends whom I would visit later asked me if someone had done or something that made me lose the connection with all of them and the answer is no.  In a way, there were so many of them that it was hard to keep in touch with all of them and soon I wasn't keeping in touch with anyone of them.  We get busy.  Some friendships fade after that happen.  These friendships didn't, however, despite lack of communication.  I still kept these friends as important people in my life and valued their personalities, values, and actions.  We all get busy and sometimes in this busyness we forget to connect with the people who matter to us.  Now that I've seen all of them again and broken the pattern of not seeing them, I want to start a new commitment of seeing them on a more regular basis. 

Back at the vegan and vegetarian restaurant, we enjoyed catching up.  Mary Jean told us about her paleo diet--meats, vegetables, good fats, no grains--, her cross fit work out, her acupuncture business, and her upcoming wedding in two weeks.  I drank my first pinot gris, a white wine produced by many Oregon wineries, and ate the tastiest and thickest veggie burger I've ever eaten.  I decided that since Waylon was vegan and Portland was vegan friendly that I would eat primarily vegan for the weekend. 

We said our goodbyes to Mary Jean and Waylon and I drove back to his house.  tired and around ten o'clock, normal bed time for both us, Waylon and I called it a day, a great day, for each of us, and for me, the start of a great trip. 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Mandate


A few weeks before I came out to my advisory class this past November a sixth grade boy came up to me during study time for his vocabulary test and said, “Mr. Eich, I think a mandate is wrong.” 

 
Students often tell me things or ask me questions that are completely baffling.  They either have nothing to do with the topic at hand or they demonstrate such odd thinking that I wonder if perhaps the children should take medication for delusional thinking.  

 
“I have no idea what you're talking about,” I said.


“Mandate.  I think it's wrong.”

 
“What do you mean it's wrong?” I asked.  “You know what mandate means, right?  A command.”


“Yes, but it could also mean a man dating a man.  I think that's wrong.”

 
Okay. I didn't see that one coming. 


“The world is a big place,” I said.  “And you are only in middle school so you don't know a lot about it yet.  But there are a lot of men who date men and a lot of people who think that's just fine.”

 
“Well, I think it's wrong,” the boy said.  “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

 
Okay. I didn't see that coming either.  In  my ten years of teaching I’ve never had a student use the “God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve” argument.  I was also rather impatient that day.  You get that way sometimes after teaching ninety kids in three hours and still have another sixty to go before the day is over. 

 
So this is what I said to him:  “That statement as an argument for why being gay is wrong is filled with so many illogical and fallacious assumptions that I can't really go into them right now and do  justice to any of them.  Suffice to say, someday I hope you see the error of your thinking and become a bit more accepting of two guys who would like to go on a mandate.”

 
I'm sure he didn't see that coming.  He didn't know what to say and looked rather befuddled.  I'm sure he had no idea what I said in the beginning, but heard my message loud and clear at the end.

 
“Okay,” he said, probably not knowing what else to say, and walked back to his desk.

I could have taken the time and had a conversation with him about the topic in a more kid-friendly way, seize what educators call a “teachable moment”, perhaps even tell him I found what he said offensive because I'm gay, but I wasn't ready to make that step yet, and the English class he was in needed a lot of supervision all the time, and the number of completely off the topic and strange conversations I have with middle school kids sometimes takes all of my mental and emotional energy and I just need to move on to teaching or managing the next thing, and so I said what I said in a rather short and terse way.     

 
The irony is that this boy's favorite band is One Direction, his favorite TV show is Glee, all of his friends are girls, he would like to be an actor when he grows up, and he has a folder with a picture of kittens on it.  I know the dangers of stereotypes and perceptions, but it seems to me like he might be the type of boy who would one day like a mandate. 


Of course, as most gay people know, often the most homophobic people are closeted people.  In fact, back when I was a closeted sophomore in college I used the “God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve” line on a fellow actor in a theater production who said something affirming about gay people.  Two years later when I came out, someone told me that the guy I said this to was gay.  I'm sure he thought the same about me as I did about the sixth grade boy.

 
Prior to my coming out to my students, this boy talked to me almost every day.  After coming out, he seemed to avoid me.  He's best friends with one of the girls in my advisory class which I told I was gay and I assume the girl told him.  She's a gossip princess, the Liz Smith of the sixth grade, so I'm sure she did. Maybe the boy didn’t talk to me for a long time because he felt guilty for saying what he did.  I can understand that.  I also believe that if he is gay and he knows I'm gay, I made him uncomfortable. I brought up all those feelings and thoughts he was trying to suppress and repress.  I know I did the same when I was in college and met my first person, a professor, who was gay.  At the time, I was ten years older than the eleven year old boy in my class, and the professor simultaneously intrigued and unsettled me.  Knowing he was gay made me think more about myself as gay.  That's the power of coming out.  We can change minds.  

 
In fact, this boy’s prejudiced statement indicates that already someone is indoctrinating him with the idea of “God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”.  All prejudice is taught to children whether it's racial, gender, national, religious, or affectional prejudice.  We, as a democratic society stepping into the increasingly diverse twenty first century, need to counter this prejudice by teaching our children to accept all diversity.

 
Over the course of the year, this boy showed less apprehension and discomfort around me and talked to me often and unreservedly.  I’m glad he did.  I hope his fears about me as a gay man and himself as a gay boy, if he is, dissipated.  I know it's not easy.   If he’s straight then I hope I’ve opened his mind and heart and made him more accepting.  With marriage equality for gay people in Minnesota and at the national level passed, he moves forward into a society where acceptance of gay people will become the norm and prejudiced views will become the minority.


As far as the mandate goes, I hope that if he is gay, he accepts his affectional preference and someday can have a man date.  Or if our society changes as rapidly as I hope it does in regard to gay acceptance, a boydate. 

Speaking of which, I'd like to give this eleven year old boy the credit for inventing a new meaning for the word mandate that I hope becomes a part of our vernacular. 

 
Mandate, noun, a man going on a date with a man.  As in, I could use a mandate.  It's been a while.     

    

Five Truths about Fear


Five Truths about Fear 

Truth #1: The fear will never go way as long as you continue to grow. 

*If we are learning and wanting to do new things, as we should be as people who live in this world of amazing opportunities, then we will always encounter something new and wonder can I do it?  We will always encounter some doubt and fear. 

[My note: *To say to yourself “if the fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow then I don't want to grow” is denying yourself your potential and the amazing opportunities offer us, and like it or not, as recalcitrant and stubborn and unwilling as you can be to grow, you will grow]

Truth #2:  The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.

*Fear dissolves when you confront it

*The “doing it” comes BEFORE the fear goes away

*In other ways, the fear doesn't go away until you do it.  So, for the most part, you're going to feel some degree of fear before you do it and while you are doing it, whatever that “it” is—starting a new career, living in a different city, traveling to a city or country, asking someone on a date, dating someone, going back to school, changing a significant habit in your life, changing yourself

*Don't play the When-Then Game with fear

          ...When I feel better about myself then I will do it

          ...When I'm confident, then I'll do it

          ...When I'm fearless, then I'll do it


Truth #3:  the only way to feel better about yourself is go go out and do it.

*The doing be comes before the feeling better about yourself

*It is fairly predictable, however, that when  you've finally mastered something and gotten rid of the fear, it will fee so good that you will decide that there is something else out there you want to accomplish, and guess what?  The fear begins again as you prepare to meet a new challenge and opportunity.


Truth #4: Not only are you going to experience fear whenever you are in unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else

*Don't interpret fear as a signal to stop buy rather as a green light to go ahead

*Move toward your desired goals with the fear rather than away from them because of the fear

*The fear is there; don't let it stop you

Truth #5: Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness

*You can't escape from fear.  You can only transform it into a companion that accompanies you on your exciting and new and out of comfort  and certainty security zone

 These five truths about fear are notes I took from the book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers. 

Making Decisions


I've read Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers a couple of times.  Here are notes that I recently took on her chapter about decision making that I found insightful. 

Making Decisions

Before Making a Decision

1. Focus Immediately on the No Lose Model:

Path A is right--->>Goodies (Well Being in my words)---->>Choice Point

Path B is right--->>Goodies (Well Being in my words)---->>Choice Point

My note: The No Lose Model could be called the Win Model or the Succeed No Matter What Model or Learn What Life is Teaching You in Any Moment Model

As opposed to the No Win Model which is:

Path A is it right or is it wrong?--->>Will I get Goodies (Well Being in my words)?--> Choice Point

Path B is it right or is  it wrong?--->>Will I get Goodies (Well Being in my words)?--> Choice Point

My note: The No win Model could be called the Lose Model of the Fail No Matter What Model or Don't Be Aware to What Life is Teaching You in Any Moment Model

*Goodies are opportunities to experience life in a new way, to learn and grow, to find out what you are and who you'd like to be and what you;d lie to do in life.  Sounds optimistic to me!

2. Do Your Homework

*Talk to the “right” people—people who encourage, support are positive, have taken positive risks themselves, to embrace life, who want the best for themselves and for others, who in your definition of success and well being have succeeded and practice well being

As Susan Jeffers writes, “You're not a failure if you don't make it; your's a success because you try.”

3. Establish Your Priorities

*What do you want in life?

*Remember that goals constantly change in life the decision you made ten years ago might not be the decision you wold make today; the decision you make today might not be the decision you make in five years Why? Because your priorities change.

*A decision may be “right” or “good” now. Because you later want something different from that decision still means the decision was “right”  or “good” back then

4. Trust Your Intuition

    *Even after you've done your homework, and talked to many people, and come up with a logical choice, it is possible that your impulse, your instinct, your intuition, your heart, your soul, your spirit (call it what you will) is telling you to go with the other choice. Don't be afraid to do that.

*Remember that every choice, even to stay with what is your current reality, will bring you rich opportunities for experiencing life in a new and different way if you view your life as one of opportunity and growth, and if you make and take those opportunities.    There is no wrong decision, just different ones. 

 
5. Lighten Up


*Nothing is that important!  As the title of another great book advises, don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff)

*You are a life time student at the large university of life.  Your curriculum is your total relationship with the world you live in from the moment you are born to the moment you die.  Each experience is a valuable lesson.  If you choose Path A, you will learn one set of lessons. If you choose path B, you will learn another set of lessons.  [My note: Whichever path you choose, you will learn some of the same lessons, lessons so important that no matter what you choose, you will learn this.]  Different classroom,  teachers, different books, different homework, different exams, but it doesn't really matter.  If you take Path A, you get to taste the strawberries. If you take Path B, you get to taste the blueberries.  If you don't like the strawberries (Path A), maybe you will try Path B or you'll eat fewer strawberries or over time you'll learn to like strawberries.  Same for blueberries and Path B.  Don't like strawberries or blueberries (Path A and Path B)?  Try raspberries (Path C).

*Whatever place you're in learn everything you can from it about yourself and the world around you.

*Whatever happens as the result of your decision, you can handle it.  This is a key concept in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: You can handle it!

After Making a Decision

1. Throw Away Your Picture

*Set aside expectations of what you thought it would be like

*If you focus on “the way it's supposed to be” you might miss the opportunity to enjoy the way it is or to be wonderful [have well being, feel successful, be content] in a totally different way from what you imagined

2. Accept Total Responsibility for Your Decisions

*When you can find the opportunity in any decision is is much easier to accept the responsibility for making it

3. Don't Protect, Correct
*Is is most important to commit yourself to any decision you make and give it all you've got.  And if it doesn't work out, change it.  Make another decision, Life is a road of decisions. Many of us are so invested in making the “right decision” (and protecting our egos, our comforts, our appearances) that even if we don't like the path we've chosen, we hang in there for dear life.  This is craziness.  There is tremendous value in learning you don't like something and then changing your path. 

*The key to a well lived life is not to worry about making a wrong decision.  It's learning when to correct a decision. 

*Keep making decisions that take your to what you believe is your destination, knowing that the place you are was once the place you thought was your well being destination.  Appreciate and accept where you are and learn from it and also have the wherewithal to make another decision and change it when the time is right. 
 
Effective decision making means taking responsibility for your decisions and ultimately your life.  The following are ideas from Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway about taking responsibility

Bliss, Contentment, and the Hero's Journey-Part Two


I've been thinking about what I wrote regarding the Hero's Journey, bliss, and contentment in my last post.  The Here's Journey requires us to ask what is my bliss and to follow that bliss rather than, as I suggested, what is my contentment and follow your contentment.  The Hero's Journey is a big journey, a big step for us, an adventure which makes us feel alive, makes us feel connected to our spiritual source, and makes us feel as though we are living a meaningful life. 

As my friend Waylon pointed out to me, the Hero's Journey doesn't always involve traveling somewhere; rather, what's important is that the Hero's Journey is always an interior journey.  We do something, we take the journey, because we believe it will make us a better person, a more fully lived person, a person tapping into our  potential, and a person living the life we imagine for ourselves. 

Bliss, therefore, does seem the right idea that would compel us to take our Journey.  Bliss is crazy wisdom, a teaching in much of Tibetan Buddhism, especially the teachings of Chogyum Trungpa Rinpoche.  Bliss is that big dream, the idea we think is farfetched, and yet, something we want to pursue.  Will we obtain it?  That's not the point.  The point is the Journey.  The point is going after that dream.  The point is not the attainment, not the destination, and not the getting.  The point is that we should keep our goal at the forefront of our journey, but once we embark we should let the journey take us where it will.  We should remain open to changes and chance and opportunity and life unfolding in the way that it will. 

 
Contentment has its place, by all means, but seeking contentment in regard to the Hero's Journey typically isn't the big interior or exterior journey that Joseph Campbell encourages us to take. 

My friend Natasha, Waylon's sister, is the person who has sparked this contemplation about the Hero's Journey.  She left a well paying career in marketing at the age of thirty nine to pursue a different career.  She left her family and friends in Eugene, Oregon to pursue a Master's Degree in Gerontology at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City.  Immersing herself in the world of academia she encountered the teachings of Joseph Campbell and his concept of the Hero's Journey and now considers her decision to leave the comfort of her past life to pursue the uncertainty, and yet, the dream, of a life, a career, in gerontology as her Hero's Journey.  I consider her incredibly knowledgeable in the Campbell's idea of of the Hero's Journey and she recently clarified for me that follow your bliss is a bit of a misinterpretation and misconception about the Hero's Journey.  Rather, a better understanding of the Hero's Journey is pursue your avocation, or the question what is your life's work?  When we ask ourselves what is I want to do as a career or even outside of a career, as a life's work, that we will find rewarding and meaningful, then we are embarking upon our Hero's Journey.  We think our life's work needs to be the magnificent, but it doesn't.  It can be the small, making a difference only to a few rather than the masses.  It's detrimental to think big—Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Jr big.  Let's face it: the vast majority of us will never make that significant of societal change.  Rather, what we must do, over and over again, is ask ourselves how can I given my strengths,  talents and interests best utilize myself to feel what I am doing is meaningful and to remember that virtually everything is meaningful in some context to someone.

So perhaps the question isn't what is my bliss or what is my contentment but rather what is meaningful to me?  

Monday, June 10, 2013

Bliss, Contentment, and the Hero's Journey

My friend Waylon recently asked me in a letter:  what is my bliss?  He, his sister, and I have been discussing Joseph Campbell's idea of the Hero's Journey and one of the quintessential aphorisms of the Hero's Journey is follow your bliss.  One of the essential questions of this mythic existential philosophy, therefore, is what is your bliss?

My answer is I don't know.  For me, bliss implies deep passion, ecstatic pleasure, exuberant emotion, and nirvanic proportion.  As such, bliss seems unattainable.   It seems transitory and illusory.  And yet, this is the message I hear so often:  do what you love and the money will follow, pursue your dreams, live big, follow your bliss. 
 
I feel more practical than this quixotic ideal.  And yet, I know that passion for life means living a fulfilling life.  I certainly want that for myself.  We all do.  Nonetheless, I don't know what bliss I would follow right now.  Or rather, I know, but it seems impractical.  Perhaps that's the nature of bliss.  Seldom is it practical; seldom is it comfortable.  Like the Hero's Journey, bliss means stepping outside of our security and pursuing something because it means that much to us and because it means more to us than the comfort of our current situation. 

The concept I feel more comfortable with is contentment.  Perhaps happiness.  Contentment suggests attainability, satisfaction, and equilibrium.  Contentment is bliss's mild mannered sibling.  Practical and quiet, and yet, engaged and energized by acceptance.  Contentment isn't inaction or introversion,  although each of these traits can emerge.  Contentment can still be active. 

Contentment still asks us to take the Hero's Journey, and reminds us that it is not the Hero's Destination but rather the Hero's Journey.  The journey itself is the adventure and not only the final destination. Furthermore, contentment is available, indeed necessary, each step of the way.  The leaving for the journey, the journey itself, and the arrival are equally significant.  Arrival, after all, is constant until the day we die.  Each new moment is arriving into that new moment.  As soon as we arrive we are departing.  Our arrival is always temporary as is our departure and the journey in between.  The two are the opposite and the same: yin and yang, the pendulum swinging back and forth, the eternal equilibrium of our existence. 

So, what is my contentment is the question I ask myself and the question I pose to you.  What would bring you contentment?  Pursue that.  Follow your contentment.  Create a net for yourself, take the leap of faith, and jump.